The Careless Language of Sports Parents
What we say in passing, they carry for years.
We think we’re helping.
A few words to motivate.
A comment about effort.
A little feedback after the game.
But our kids hear something else.
They hear pressure.
They hear disappointment.
They hear: If I don’t perform, I’m not enough.
And sometimes, they stop hearing us altogether.
The Science Behind It
Our words don’t just land—they wire.
Children’s brains are wired for connection and survival. They interpret tone more than content, stress more than logic. Every win, mistake, or post-game conversation becomes data:
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Am I safe?
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Am I loved?
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Am I good enough?
What feels like a helpful comment to us—
“You need to be more aggressive,”
or “You didn’t look like you wanted it today”—
can actually trigger their stress response.
When that happens, they lose access to:
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Calm decision-making
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Creative problem solving
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Self-confidence
And instead of getting fired up to improve, they may begin to associate your voice with tension and conditional love.
I Know Because I’ve Done It (and still do it)
I’ve muttered under my breath.
I’ve sighed on the sideline.
I’ve let my face speak louder than my words.
I’ve launched into post-game questions when all they wanted was a snack and silence.
Sometimes, I didn’t even say it out loud.
But kids are experts at reading us—they know when our energy shifts.
What Careless Language Sounds Like
We rarely intend harm. But intent doesn’t erase impact. And these common phrases carry weight:
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“That was embarrassing.”
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“You’ve got to want it more.”
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“I don’t care if you win… but at least give 100%
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“You didn’t even look like you were trying.”
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“You can’t be nervous every time you get the ball.”
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“We spend all this money and time, and then…”
Sometimes it’s not even the words—it’s the sigh, the silence, the cold shoulder. The look that says, You let me down.
The Fallout We Don’t Always See
It’s not always dramatic.
In fact, it’s often invisible:
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They stop talking after games.
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They avoid eye contact when they make a mistake.
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They ask if you’re coming—not with excitement, but with caution.
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They smile less.
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They play tight.
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They start feeling like they aren’t good enough
Some kids push harder. Others quietly quit.
And sometimes, we don’t realize what happened until years later—if ever.
What They Actually Need to Hear
Let’s shift the script.
Instead of trying to coach, correct, or control—let’s connect.
✅Try saying:
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“I love watching you play.”
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“You’re really fun to watch.”
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“What was your favorite moment today?”
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“You looked like you were having fun out there.”
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“I’m proud of how you handled that tough call.”
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“You kept going when it got hard—I saw that.”
And here are more phrases that build trust, confidence, and emotional safety:
✅ Noticing effort and mindset:
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“You gave it everything you had out there.”
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“You stayed in it even when it wasn’t going your way.”
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“You looked focused and composed—that takes practice.”
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“I know that wasn’t your best day, but I’m proud of how you kept showing up.”
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“You figured things out as the game went on—that’s real growth.”
✅ Supporting resilience and regulation:
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“That ref’s call was rough—but you bounced back.”
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“I saw you take a deep breath and reset. That’s not easy.”
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“You were frustrated, and you still stayed with the team—that’s leadership.”
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“It’s okay to feel disappointed. That means it mattered to you.”
✅ Affirming identity and autonomy:
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“You get to define what success means for you.”
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“You looked like you out there.”
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“You’re more than just an athlete to me.”
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“It’s your game. I’m just lucky to witness it.”
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“No matter what happens, I’m your biggest fan.”
✅ Encouraging communication:
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“How did that feel for you?”
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“What would you do differently next time?”
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“Want to talk about it or just chill for now?”
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“I’m here if you want to unpack anything later.”
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“Do you want feedback or just a snack right now?” (humor helps too)
✅These kinds of comments:
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Support autonomy
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Foster internal motivation
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Make your child feel safe, seen, and supported
They send the message: You are more than your performance. You matter to me always.
It’s Not About Being Perfect—It’s About Being Present
I still mess up. I still say too much.
I still get caught in the emotional swirl of competition, of comparison, of fear that I’m not doing enough to help them succeed or that they are falling behind.
But now I try to catch myself.
To breathe.
To ask more questions.
To give more silence.
I apologize when I don’t get it right.
Because what they need most isn’t a coach, a scout, or a motivational speaker in the car.
They need their parent.
A Note to the Sports Parent Who’s Trying
You’re not alone.
You’re not failing.
You’re doing what most of us are doing—navigating something no one prepared us for.
We inherited a system that defines success by wins, stats, and scholarships.
But we don’t have to pass that down.
Let’s be the generation of parents who raise athletes that keep playing—because they love it, not because they fear our disappointment.
Let’s be known not for what we said in frustration, but for what we said in love.
Because one day, our voice becomes their inner voice.
Let’s make it one they want to carry with them.
For more like this, visit: Ilovetowatchyouplay.com and Instagram @TheIlovetowatchyouplay and Facebook @Ilovetowatchyouplay
Here are a few more articles you might like:
My Daughter Quit Sports, And This Is What Youth Sports Parents Need To Know
The 6th Man Is Actually The Parent
Kids Tell Us The Truth About Sports Parents
9 Habits of Highly Effective Team Players
Are We Doing Too Much For Our Athletes?
