The Silent Way Parents Pass Pressure to Their Kids—Without Realizing It
The Silent Way Parents Pass Pressure to Their Kids—Without Realizing It.
It was just another weekend tournament.
A friend of mine watched his daughter warm up before a big soccer game, his arms crossed, his eyes locked in. He wanted his kid to play well—he knew she could—but lately, something had been off. His daughter seemed hesitant, almost afraid to make mistakes.
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On the drive to the game, my friend had given what he thought was an encouraging talk.
“Try your best today, okay? Be aggressive. You’ve got to go in strong—don’t hold back like last time.”
His daughter nodded but didn’t say much.
Then, as the game started, my friend saw it again: hesitation.
Instead of attacking the ball, she second-guessed. Instead of playing with confidence, she played not to mess up.
His daughter wasn’t just playing against the opponent—she was playing for her dad’s approval. And whether he meant to or not, my friend had sent the message that this game mattered…too much.
The Science: Why Your Child Absorbs Your Emotions
It’s not just in their head. It’s science.
A study from the American Psychological Association highlights that children often mirror their parents’ emotional states—whether it’s confidence, anxiety, frustration, or pressure.
There’s a term for this: emotional contagion.
It means our emotions are transferable—the words we choose, the tension in our voice, the way we grip the wheel, the sigh we don’t even realize we just let out—all send a message.
Sports psychologist Dr. Jim Taylor explains it this way: “Children take their emotional cues from their parents. If a parent is nervous, angry, or stressed, that emotion will likely transfer to the child. Your words can create pressure, make them nervous, shift their focus to results, cause them to think about you, cause them to think about their competitors, reduce their motivation and confidence.”
So, while we might think we’re hiding our stress, our kids know. They have already internalized the message.
What This Means on Game Day
Think about how many of us parents act and feel before a game.
- We feel nervous about how our kid will perform.
- During warm-ups, we study the other team and let doubt and concern seep in.
- We worry about playing time, coach decisions, and team dynamics.
- Scouts are watching. Their entire future depends on this game.
Even if we don’t say a word, our kid already feels the weight.
Now, imagine the opposite.
- You step into the car, feeling calm and steady.
- Your child senses no expectations, just support.
- They get to the game without worrying about proving anything to you.
The difference between playing with confidence and playing with fear starts long before the whistle blows.
It starts with us.
How to Change the Energy You Bring
1. Check Yourself Before the Drive Even Starts
- Before you turn the key, take a deep breath.
- Ask yourself: “What energy am I bringing into this car?”
- If you’re stressed, tense, or overthinking, pause. Take another deep breath. Reset.
- Try Come To Your Senses, a practice to get you back to the present moment
2. Let Go of the “Try Your Best” Talk
What We Say → What to Say Instead
“Go get that win.” → “Go have fun.”
“Be aggressive out there.” → “Trust yourself.”
“Your team is counting on you.” → “You’re an important part of the team, no matter what happens.”
“We need a big game from you today.” → “Just focus on one play at a time.”
“Play smart.” → “Every game is a chance to learn and improve.”
“Coaches are watching—so really get after it.” → “Play your game. The right people will notice.”
“Work hard today.” → “Keep working on the little things, and good things will come.”
“This is a huge game—it really matters.” → “It’s just another game. Go out and enjoy it.”
“You’ve put so much time into this—make it count.” → “We love watching you play, no matter the result.”
The Takeaway
Your child’s game-day mindset isn’t just about them—it’s about you too.
- If you bring calm, steady energy, they will absorb it.
- Keeping the first few minutes of the drive light will make them feel more relaxed.
- If you stop overloading them with advice, they will trust their own preparation and listen to their own voice.
The Drive There isn’t just a car ride—it’s the most overlooked tool for shaping your child’s confidence and performance.
