What We Can Learn from Alex Cooper’s Story About Emotional Harm in Sports
It doesn’t always look like harm.
They’re still showing up.
Still starting.
Still smiling in photos.
But something’s changed.
There’s a tension around practice.
A silence after games.
An edge that wasn’t there before.
And yet—nothing “bad” has happened. No screaming. No outright bullying. No incident.
Just the slow fading of joy.
The kind of harm that doesn’t show up on a scoreboard.
The kind that many athletes don’t know how to name.
This conversation gained renewed urgency after Alex Cooper—the host of Call Her Daddy—released a documentary about her life. In it, she shares her experience as a Division I soccer player at Boston University, alleging sexual harassment by her former coach. While there was no physical abuse, she describes feeling controlled, emotionally worn down, and afraid to speak up. Cooper says she filed a formal complaint with the athletic department, but no investigation was opened. Eventually, the emotional toll became too heavy—and she made the difficult decision to quit the team.
Since Alex came forward, a petition has been signed by more than 100 former players and coaches in support of the coach, underscoring the complexity of these conversations.
Shortly after watching the documentary, I was tagged in a post by Linda Martindale, a certified mental fitness coach for athletes. Linda is someone I deeply respect, not only for her work with athletes, but for her lived experience as a former college athlete, a coach, and the parent of four kids who have competed at the collegiate level.
“I’ve had conversations with more than 100 athletes (and parents) in the past 18 months—many of whom felt ignored, invisible, or emotionally mistreated,” she wrote. “Is ‘abused’ too strong a word? Maybe. Maybe not. But I’ve seen it up close—not just through the athletes that I work with in my practice every week, but through the lived experiences of all four of my own children.”
She went on to say, “I’ve been struck by how many athletes feel the weight of emotional mistreatment in silence. The problem is real. Coaches must do better. They absolutely can do better.”
And as parents, we need to learn how to see it too.
Where the Line Gets Crossed
Sometimes, we frame all hard coaching as “good for them.” As character-building. As necessary. But the truth is: not all hard coaching is healthy coaching.
When your child shares something that doesn’t sit right—a comment a coach made, a shift in how they’re being treated, a feeling they can’t quite articulate—it can be hard to know what to do with that information. Is it just part of a tough coach’s style? Or is it something more harmful?
Dr. Mark Allen, a board-certified psychiatrist and Mental Health Consultant to Collegiate & Pro Organizations, offers a helpful starting point for parents trying to make sense of this. He suggests beginning with a simple, powerful filter: “How would this sound coming out of my own mouth—and how would it feel to hear this at my child’s age?”
That question alone can bring clarity. If the same words came from a teacher, a boss, or even yourself, would it seem motivating—or inappropriate?
“Tough coaching challenges athletes with actionable feedback and respect,” Allen explains. “Harmful coaching humiliates, demeans, or breaks kids down emotionally.”
For decades, the coaching culture of “break them down to build them up” has been romanticized. But Dr. Allen is clear: what was once tolerated—think Bear Bryant in the 1950s—we now know can cause real psychological harm. “Coaching should push performance, not compromise emotional safety.”
When They’re Still Performing—but Quietly Hurting
One of the most confusing realities for parents is this: a child can be playing well and still be in pain.
“Kids can be high-functioning and still hurting,” Dr. Allen says. “The most disciplined athletes are often the ones struggling silently, afraid to break the image of ‘mentally tough.’”
They might be winning games. Earning praise. Keeping up appearances. But behind the scenes, you may start to notice small shifts—subtle but significant.
“Watch for changes in energy or engagement. Are they withdrawing from teammates? Losing joy in the sport? Suddenly quiet when they’re usually outgoing?”
Even off the field, the signs may show up: irritability at home, trouble sleeping or eating, or comments like, “I can’t mess up” or “If I make a mistake, I’m done.” None of this means they’re weak. It means they’re carrying something heavy—and hiding it.
What Parents Can Say When Something Feels Off
It’s natural to want answers. To ask, “What’s wrong?” or “Is something going on?” But that kind of directness can sometimes feel like pressure—especially for a kid who’s already afraid to disappoint.
Dr. Allen recommends a softer approach. “The key is curiosity without pressure. Try something like: ‘Hey, I’ve noticed you seem a little off after practice lately—want to talk about it?’”
And timing matters. “The car ride home isn’t always the best place to dig into performance or concerns. Let your child decompress—maybe with music, a snack, or a bit of humor—and trust that when they’re ready, they’ll speak up.”
If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple. “Try: ‘Is something weighing on you—your performance, your coach, your teammates?’” You don’t have to fix it immediately. But you can make it safe to be honest. You can show up—consistently, calmly, and without judgment.
The Standard We Must Raise
Athletes are struggling. Not always because of the pressure to win—but because of the emotional environment they’re expected to survive inside of.
“Performance and mental health aren’t mutually exclusive,” Dr. Allen says. “Supporting one strengthens the other.”
He adds, “Let your kids know that their worth isn’t tied to a stat line. And if your gut tells you something’s not right, lean into that instinct. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just have to show up.”
What Parents Can Do Next
If any part of this feels familiar—or if your child has shared something that made you pause—trust that instinct. You don’t need to have all the answers right away. But you can begin by creating a space where your child feels seen, heard, and supported.
Here are some tangible steps you can take:
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Create calm, judgment-free moments. Ask open-ended questions like:
“How are you feeling about your coach these days?”
“What part of your sport still feels fun?”
“Is there anything that’s been weighing on you?” -
Watch for subtle shifts. Changes in mood, eating, sleeping, or engagement with teammates can all be signs something deeper is going on.
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Document what your child tells you. If they share a concerning interaction or repeated behavior from a coach, write it down with dates and details—especially if they’re not ready to report it themselves.
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Talk to another adult who knows your child. A school counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor may have observed similar patterns or can help you think through what to do next.
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Know that speaking up doesn’t always mean going public. It can mean asking a quiet question, requesting a meeting, or just affirming what your child already knows deep down: that what’s happening isn’t okay.
Resources for Support and Guidance
These organizations and tools offer help for parents and athletes navigating emotionally unsafe sports environments:
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The Hidden Opponent
Mental health advocacy group led by former college athletes, offering education, community, and first-person stories. -
The Dark Side of Sport
Founded by Katie Alexander, this platform investigates emotional abuse in athletics and advocates for accountability, education, and healing. -
US Center for SafeSport
If the situation involves potential abuse or misconduct, this is the independent body that investigates claims across youth and Olympic sports. -
Positive Coaching Alliance
Offers tools, training, and guidance for parents, coaches, and organizations to create safer, more positive sports environments.
Connect with the Experts
For parents, coaches, or athletes looking for additional guidance or support, both Linda Martindale and Dr. Mark Allen offer resources and expertise grounded in lived experience and professional insight.
Linda Martindale
Certified Mental Fitness Coach for College Athletes
Website: www.martindalecoaching.com
LinkedIn: Linda Martindale
Dr. Mark R. Allen
Board-Certified Psychiatrist | Founder, Peak Sports Psychiatry
Website: www.peaksportspsychiatry.com
LinkedIn: Dr. Mark Allen
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