The Careless Language of Coaches

How Words Shape Identity, Brain Patterns, and Trust in Youth Sports

The Careless Language of Coaches. When we published The Careless Language of Sports Parents, the response was overwhelming. But one message kept showing up again and again:

“This isn’t just about parents. We want information about Coaches, too.”

It makes sense. Because while a parent’s voice may echo in the car ride home, a coach’s voice often echoes in the athlete’s head.

Not just during games. But in the moments at home, when they question their worth.
In the moments they decide whether or not to show up again tomorrow.
In the moments they remember years later, long after the season ends.

Words That Wound: What Kids Actually Hear

This isn’t about the obviously abusive or humiliating coach. 
This is about the everyday phrases—the seemingly harmless comments—that slowly erode confidence, trust, and joy.

Because what a coach means and what a player hears can be two very different things.

Consider these common coaching remarks:

Being Ignored: The Quietest Yet Loudest Message

One of the most painful coaching behaviors, according to athletes, isn’t yelling or harsh words—it’s being ignored.

Not receiving eye contact after a mistake or a good play.
Being left out of game plans.
Never being addressed by name.
Getting passed over for feedback or encouragement.

“I sat on the bench for months without one conversation. I felt like furniture.”
—High school athlete

“The coach never called me by my name. Always ‘her’ or ‘that girl.’”
—Former U14 player

This kind of neglect isn’t just poor communication—it can register as emotional abandonment. In fact, research from UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger shows that social exclusion activates the same region of the brain as physical pain.

Being seen, acknowledged, and spoken to—especially during struggle—isn’t just nice. It’s necessary for kids to feel like they matter.

What the Research Tells Us

Words are not neutral. They shape how kids think, perform, and define themselves. Especially during adolescence, when the brain is still developing the ability to process emotions, regulate emotions, and experience rewards.

“When athletes perceive that their coach values them as people, not just for their performance, they’re more likely to enjoy the sport, perform better, and stay in it longer.”
—Dr. Mary Fry, Director, KU Sport & Exercise Psychology Lab

Repeated exposure to shaming, unpredictable, or dismissive language can:

• Trigger the stress response (fight, flight, freeze)

• Impair memory and learning during high-pressure moments

• Lead to identity confusion and performance-based self-worth

• Increase anxiety, fear of failure, and emotional shutdown

• Accelerate burnout and dropout rates

Even when a coach doesn’t mean harm, the tone, timing, and context of language still carry weight.

When It’s Not Just Language

Sometimes, the careless words are part of a larger culture of control, favoritism, and emotional manipulation. We explored this more serious side in our piece on bullying and old-school coaching, which includes expert insight into how repeated emotional harm can alter a child’s brain.

That article is a necessary read for anyone still defending “that’s how I was coached and I turned out fine.”

What Coaches Can Do Instead

This isn’t about being soft. It’s about being intentional.
Because a coach doesn’t need to be perfect—just aware.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Pause Before You Speak

Ask yourself:

• Am I reacting or coaching?

• Will this help the athlete grow or just make them shrink?

2. Name the Behavior, Not the Person

Instead of: “You’re lazy.”
Try: “Your effort’s different today—what’s going on?”

3. Don’t Just Criticize—Connect

After a mistake, try: “Shake it off. You’ve got more in you.”
Or: “I know you’re frustrated. Let’s reset together.”

4. Check Your Patterns

Who do you give your energy to?
Do you speak only to starters? Do you ignore quiet kids?
Do you talk about players more than to them?

5. Repair When You Miss

Say something like:
“I was hard on you earlier. I believe in you. Let’s keep working.”
That one moment of repair can build more trust than any game-winning play.

Final Thought

The language of coaching is powerful.
Not just for winning—but for shaping how kids see themselves.

And when used carelessly, that language doesn’t just hurt.
It echoes.
It defines.
It lingers.

So yes, demand excellence.
Push them. Challenge them.
But speak in ways that remind them they matter—always.

Because long after they forget the scores…
they’ll remember how you made them feel.

More What Coaches Say—And What Athletes Hear