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Are You Raising a Sheep or a Wolf?

Are You Raising a Sheep or a Wolf?

Sports parents, it’s time to face the uncomfortable truth: are you raising a sheep or a wolf? As sports parents, we want our children to become great athletes and even greater humans, achieve their dreams, and find fulfillment. Yet, the painful irony is that our well-meaning intentions often hold them back. Until we confront this uncomfortable truth, we risk hindering the very things we hope to cultivate

BLACK FRIDAY ATHLETE GIFT GUIDE

Are You Hungry? Or Do You Just Want To Eat?

In this MUST-WATCH Instagram reel from @CoachBart, Coach Bartley delivers a hard-hitting message that cuts straight to the core of where so many parents go wrong in youth sports. Are we truly supporting our kids—or unintentionally setting them up for failure? Are we raising a sheep or a wolf?

One of the standout lines from Coach Bart’s rant describes how some kids are hungry and will go into the fridge, find the fixings, and make themselves a sandwich, while others—despite having a fridge full of food—will sit back and say, “Okay, I’m ready to eat.” The reel points out the stark difference between those who take the initiative and those who wait to be served. As parents, our actions often determine which type we’re raising. Are we fostering independence and problem-solving or conditioning them to rely on others – sitting back, hoping their problems get solved? 

The Damaging Effects of Overparenting

20 POWERFUL INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS OF YOUTH ATHLETES

Let’s be honest: many of us are guilty of doing too much. We don’t just help—we orchestrate. We coordinate every ride, micromanage schedules, and establish elaborate post-game recovery routines. Research published in Development and Psychopathology reveals that overparenting increases the likelihood of anxiety, poor self-regulation, and a diminished ability to face challenges. Without these critical skills, kids struggle! They have difficulty recovering from setbacks, solving problems independently, or taking ownership of their growth. Similarly, the Journal of Adolescence findings show that excessive parental control can erode confidence and impair problem-solving, leaving young people less prepared to navigate life’s inevitable challenges. 

When we step in to solve every problem, our children miss out on critical life skills.

In the process, the focus shifts away from fostering independence and resilience, leaving kids less equipped to handle challenges on their own. Instead of building the confidence to address adversity, they rely on us as a safety net.
 
This directly affects how they perform in sports.
 
While it may feel like we’re protecting them, we’re robbing them of the chance to grow. Athletes who grow up with parents managing every detail of their sports experience often struggle to develop the self-motivation and resilience it takes to become a great athlete. 

Why Are We Doing Too Much?

Parents who do too much for their kids are often meeting their own needs for control, validation, or purpose rather than focusing on what their children truly need. This can stem from a desire to shield their child from failure or anxiety about their future, which inadvertently serves the parent’s emotional needs more than the child’s growth.
 
And often, it ruins a child’s intrinsic motivation to play sports. They lose the joy.
 
As we explored in Are We Doing Too Much for Our Athletes and The Damaging Effects of Overparenting. When athletes equate their success with parental involvement rather than their hard work, it often leads to a loss of joy and purpose. Eventually, many of these kids will quit the sport they once loved. 

Redefining Our Role As Parents

“Your job isn’t to make them better; it’s to make them capable.” In his Instagram, Coach Bart perfectly captures the shift we all need to make as parents. Success isn’t about preparing every sandwich, carrying every bag, or ensuring every ride is perfectly arranged. Success is about teaching our kids to stand on their own, to carry their weight, and to feel confident in their ability to handle life’s challenges.

When we let go of the need to control, we give our children the greatest gift: the chance to grow. They’ll rise, stumble, and rise again—stronger for having done it themselves.

5 Ways to Stop Overparenting Your Athlete

  1. Let Them Be Hungry Enough to Make Their Own Sandwich.
    How: Stop jumping in to meet every need before they even ask. Whether it’s packing their gear or solving problems for them, leave room for your child to take initiative.
    Why: As Coach Bart points out, some kids will figure out how to make the sandwich themselves, while others will wait to be served. By stepping back, you teach your child to take ownership of their journey, fostering independence and self-motivation.
  2. Let Them Face the Consequences of Their Choices.
    How: If they forget their cleats, water bottles, or uniforms, resist the urge to fix them. Let them handle the situation on their own.
    Why: Experiencing the consequences of their actions is one of the most effective ways to teach accountability and preparation. Developmental psychology research shows that learning from mistakes helps kids build problem-solving skills and resilience.
  3. Encourage Them to Speak Up for Themselves.
    How: When your child has an issue with playing time, team dynamics, or a coach’s feedback, don’t intervene. Instead, role-play or give them advice on how to approach the conversation.
    Why: Problem-solving and communication are essential life skills. Letting them handle these challenges teaches confidence and equips them to navigate similar situations later in life.
  4. Praise Effort, Not Outcomes.
    How: Highlight their determination, hustle, or teamwork instead of focusing on stats, wins, or accolades.
    Why: A focus on effort fosters a growth mindset, where kids learn to value the process of improvement rather than fearing failure. As the reel reminds us, it’s not about preparing the path for the child but preparing the child for the path.
  5. Shift from Doing to Teaching.
    How: Instead of stepping in to do everything for them, teach them how to plan, prepare, and manage their time.
    Why: This approach helps kids develop skills like organization, critical thinking, and responsibility. By guiding rather than doing, you ensure they’ll be able to handle challenges when you’re not there.