Negative Self-Talk Might Be Harming Your Child’s Performance
Negative Self-Talk Might Be Harming Your Child’s Performance. “I suck,” he murmurs walking out of the gym, or “I should just quit” she exclaims while climbing into the car. This is what we refer to as negative self-talk – the critical and often harsh inner dialogue that children {and adults} have with themselves, when they’re under stress or facing challenges. It’s widespread in youth sports, and as sports parents, most of us have heard this from our kids at one point or another.
It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy
But what exactly is self-talk? Simply put, it’s our ongoing internal dialogue with ourselves. This constant stream of thoughts and beliefs shapes our perceptions, behaviors, and emotions.
Negative self-talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Their minds are clouded with doubt and fear
It starts as a small whisper in their heads, but if left unchecked, it grows louder and louder. It begins to alter their perception of themselves. Gradually, they start to believe their thoughts, thinking they are not good enough. This negative self-image destroys their confidence and as their self-esteem diminishes, their performance on the sports field inevitably suffers.
They begin to play poorly, not because they lack the skill, but because their minds are clouded with doubt and fear, creating their own false reality. And this can happen all within one game!
If they stay in this constant state of self-criticism, it can lead to decreased motivation, lower self-esteem, and an overall loss of joy in the sport.
It goes back to our primitive brain and our basic survival instincts.
So why do kids engage in negative self-talk?
Compassion expert, Dr. Kristin Neff, explains that negative self-talk “comes from a simple desire to stay safe.” It taps into the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. Because making a mistake or failing at something feels threatening and scary to us, the brain launches an anxiety response, just as it would if we heard something go bump in the night. At that point, Neff says, “we either fight, flee, or we freeze and get stuck in ruminating in negative self-talk. And these are all really natural ways we try to stay safe, so you might even say the motivation of the inner critic is a good one, even though the consequences are anything but.”
If our ancestors made a mistake that threatened their survival, there was value in remembering that mistake and scolding themselves for it. Think about it: You’re far less likely to repeat a mistake if you judge yourself harshly for it and feel ashamed for committing it.In sports, this can happen when a child feels pressure to perform well or faces criticism from coaches or peers.
Parenting styles can also effect negative self-talk
Parenting styles also influence the prevalence and severity of negative self-talk in children. Research suggests that authoritarian parenting, characterized by high expectations and low warmth, can lead children to develop overly critical self-perceptions. They may internalize the pressure to perform and become perfectionists. This leads to negative self-talk when they fail to meet these high standards. But a more balanced authoritative parenting style, combining high expectations with support and encouragement, can foster positive self-perceptions in children. It can help them view setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than personal failures, curbing the tendency for negative self-talk.
Here are some ways we can help them overcome this destructive habit:
- Dr. Neff suggests teaching your kids to practice self-compassion. When they make a mistake, tell them to stop, take a breath and say, “I am going to give myself the compassion I need in this moment.” For more in-depth self-compassion exercises from Dr. Neff read here.
- Be a positive role model: Children learn by example, so make sure you model positive self-talk in your own life. Avoid negative self-talk in front of your child, and instead, focus on using encouraging and uplifting language.
- Validate their feelings: When your child expresses negative self-talk, don’t dismiss it or tell them they are wrong. Instead, listen to their concerns and talk about it. Give them perspective and help them balance their emotions about it. This will help them feel understood and supported.
- Reframe the situation: Help your child see things more positively by reframing the situation. For example, if they say, “I’m not good at this,” you can respond with, “You may not be perfect right now, but with practice and effort, you will improve.”
- Set realistic expectations: Negative self-talk is fueled by unrealistic expectations. As parents, we must communicate realistic goals and expectations with our children. This will help them avoid feeling overwhelmed and defeated.
- Encourage a growth mindset: Teach them to view challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. This can help shift their focus from perfection to progress.
- Praise effort over outcome: Instead of focusing on the result, praise your child’s effort and hard work. This reinforces the idea that worth is not tied to performance but to determination and effort.
- Seek professional help: If your child’s negative self-talk seems severe or persistent, seeking guidance from a mental health professional may be helpful. They can provide strategies and support for helping your child develop a more positive mindset.
Bottom line, parents have a big role
The importance of our role can’t be overstated – it’s not just about boosting their game-time morale, but more about shaping their mindset – supporting them in developing greater resilience, confidence, and a positive outlook, both on and off the field. We are uniquely positioned to guide them through their struggles and help them view obstacles as opportunities for growth rather than personal failures. Our role as sports parents is to empower our children, help them believe in themselves, and inspire them to reach their highest potential.
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