Our Kids Are Drowning In Our Achievement-Obsessed Culture. Here’s How To Help Change That.
Our Kids Are Drowning In Our Achievement Obsessed-Culture, Here’s How To Help Change That. Our athletes are taught from a young age that success is based on outcomes. You don’t add value if you’re not the best on the team, the star, the highest scorer, or the MVP. Success means starting, scoring, winning.
This is what we value; therefore, This is how I get valued.
But What If Success Isn’t Defined by Goals and Grades?
But what if we could help them see that those things don’t define their worth and that they aren’t the only version of ‘success’? This burden of perfection and being the best is like an anchor pulling them deeper and deeper, the pressure to prove themselves dragging them under until they’re drowning in our expectations or the coach’s expectations and even sometimes their own. If they aren’t leading the team in goals and taking 5 AP classes, they feel like they are failing or, worse, they are failures. Statistics tell us that young athletes are more anxious, stressed, and exhausted than ever. And a lot of it is due to our achievement obsessed-culture.
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Youth Athletes Are More Anxious Than Ever
A study by the University of Wisconsin found that 36% of youth athletes report feeling “overwhelmed” by the expectations placed on them in competitive sports. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, 40-50% of youth athletes report feeling stressed due to sports-related pressures. NAYS reported that 70% of youth athletes feel some level of stress or anxiety related to their sports performance, often from fear of letting down parents, coaches, or teammates, and the American Psychological Association reports that 15-20% of young athletes struggle with significant anxiety.
Parents, Are We Sending the Wrong Messages Without Realizing It
In her book Never Enough, Jennifer Breheny Wallace explores how a culture of achievement has led to soaring mental health issues in kids. Wallace explains that when kids believe their worth is tied to things they can’t control, it leads to a dangerous cycle of constant striving and never feeling like they are enough. They chase a moving target defined by their parents, coaches, and social media. When kids internalize this belief that they must constantly prove themselves through these external achievements, they become trapped in a relentless pursuit of validation. We are sending this message to them, EVEN WHEN WE DON’T MEAN TO OR FEEL THIS WAY. Hear that, parents, understand that. Most of us want what’s best for them; we want them to realize their potential, and we don’t feel or think they aren’t enough. The problem comes because that is the message they receive. We do this by asking them first thing how many points they scored, by always sharing about friend’s kids who made the ‘first team or got a scholarship to UCLA, by nagging them about going to extra training, by only asking about their success and not failures at the dinner table, by asking them their grade on their math test and not what they learned.
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The Shame Game
Brené Brown’s research on shame further illustrates how the ‘Never Enough’ toxic culture today damages our kids. She explains that when individuals tie their self-worth to accomplishments, they set themselves up for shame when they fall short of unrealistic expectations. This can often lead to a fear of vulnerability and a reluctance to take risks. This mindset stifles their development, as they may be less willing to push themselves or learn from their mistakes, their confidence suffers, and many often leave the sport they once loved.
Breaking the Cycle of ‘Never Enough’
But we can change this. We can teach them that their worth isn’t tied to a scoreboard. It’s in how they show up, even when it’s hard. If we help kids understand that they don’t have to be the top scorer to add value, they can find deeper, more fulfilling ways to contribute to their teams. Instead of chasing external recognition, they can embrace just as vital roles, even if it doesn’t earn them a spot on the highlight reel. By setting the emotional tone, being the “glue” that connects teammates, or bringing energy and effort that inspires others, they learn to see their impact in ways not limited by scoreboards.
Fostering a Mindset of Abundance
Encouraging kids to discover and celebrate their unique “superpowers” allows them to shift from a mindset of scarcity—where they are never enough—to one of abundance, where they recognize the many ways they can add value. In the process, they learn that their worth is not tied to a scoreboard but to the integrity, effort, and empathy they bring to everything they do, both on and off the field.
Here are 7 ways you can teach your kid they can add value to a team that has nothing to do with outcomes.
1. Set the Emotional Tone 🌟How a player handles wins, losses, and challenging moments can set the tone for the entire team. By staying calm, focused, and positive under pressure, they can help their teammates regroup and stay resilient when things get tough.
2. Be the “Glue” or “Connector” 🧩Teams can sometimes develop cliques or divisions, but there are those special players who bring everyone together. They reach out to quieter teammates, resolve conflicts, and create moments where everyone feels included. Being the “glue” of the team fosters unity and a sense of belonging.
3. Keep Things Fun 🎉Maintaining focus is important, but so is keeping things light during tense moments. A well-timed joke, smile, or playful comment can ease pressure and remind everyone that sports are meant to be enjoyed. Kids who can do this have a unique way of boosting team morale.
4. Model Integrity 🤝Integrity means doing the right thing even when no one is watching. Whether it’s picking up water bottles after practice, giving their best effort even when they’re tired, or staying humble after a win, these actions set a standard of accountability that others will follow.
5. Show Vulnerability 🧡When a player is open about their struggles or insecurities, it allows others to see that it’s okay to admit they’re nervous or need help. Vulnerability fosters a culture of support and understanding, encouraging everyone to grow together.
6. Create Momentum with Effort 🚀A player doesn’t need to score all the points to energize a team. Hustle—chasing every ball, diving for loose balls, or showing relentless effort—creates momentum. This kind of tenacity can inspire teammates to push harder, even when the odds seem against them.
7. Be Solution-Oriented 🧠Complaining when things go wrong is easy, but it takes a real leader to focus on solutions. Players who offer helpful suggestions, adapt quickly, and stay composed in difficult situations keep the team moving forward. They become vital assets when the pressure is on.
Here are ten ways to ensure that children know they matter as individuals, not just as athletes:
- Celebrate Character Over Achievements:
Focus on acknowledging traits like kindness, resilience, and empathy over athletic success. Recognize moments when your child shows perseverance, compassion, or teamwork, reinforcing that these qualities are more valuable than trophies. - Practice Unconditional and Process Praise:
Express love and pride in your children irrespective of game results. Point out and praise them for the work they are doing. For all of the things you notice in the list above and for showing character. Take them for ice cream regardless of the score or how many points they made. - Encourage Open Conversations About Feelings:
Allow kids to express their emotions openly and validate their experiences. Acknowledging their feelings shows that their emotional experiences matter, not just their athletic performance. - Create Rituals of Connection:
Set up regular “connection time,” like reading together, playing games, or having weekly movie nights. These rituals focus on bonding without the pressure of competition, reminding kids they are valued just for being present. - Limit Sports Talk Outside of Practice and Games:
Reduce the emphasis on sports outside of designated times. Keep conversations balanced, and then children don’t feel their worth is solely tied to their athletic identity. - Emphasize Growth Mindset:
Praise effort and persistence over results. Focusing on how kids handle challenges teaches them to see value in their efforts, not just their victories. - Be Present in Non-Sports Activities:
Attend events outside of sports, like school plays or art shows. This shows kids that their non-athletic interests are also important and ensures they feel appreciated in various aspects of life. - Model Vulnerability and Share Your Own Non-Athletic Interests:
When parents share their interests, hobbies, and even failures, it teaches kids to embrace their multifaceted identities. This encourages them to see themselves beyond just an athlete. - Encourage Service and Community Engagement:
When involved in community service, kids learn empathy and feel a sense of belonging beyond sports. It reinforces that their value comes from their ability to contribute positively to society, not just to a team. - Teach them to be grateful:
Grateful for being on a team. Grateful they have parents who care. Grateful for the coach who works a lot of hours with little or no pay. Grateful for their teammates having their backs. Grateful for everything. Studies have shown, when people express gratitude they feel happier in every aspect of life.