When An Athlete Chooses Not To Play In College
When An Athlete Chooses Not To Play In College. A friend shared that when people ask where her talented daughter plans to play volleyball in college, and she replies, “She doesn’t.” The shocked reactions she gets are almost always followed by, “Then why is she playing club?” Wow. Can you imagine a child playing a sport just because they love it and have no desire to use sport for a college scholarship or entrance to college?
It Requires An Immense Love For The Sport
Playing a sport in college is hard; it’s your life. These athletes typically start their day as early as 6:00 a.m. with pre-practice recovery and rehab, followed by intense morning workouts or practices. Afterward, athletes dive into film sessions, and throughout the day, they juggle attending classes, squeezing in study hall, meals, and more recovery. Afternoon sessions often include individual training, weightlifting, or conditioning, with more team meetings or film reviews extending into the evening. Weekends are typically spent traveling for competitions, making for a non-stop cycle of training, playing, studying, and recovering, requiring immense discipline and mostly A LOVE for the chosen sport. When people ask me what my daughter is majoring in at college, I often jokingly reply, “Soccer,” because, in reality, that’s what it feels like sometimes. The level of commitment required to play a sport at the collegiate level, especially Division 1, is mind-blowing.
That sort of time commitment in college is not news—it’s been like that for decades. But what is new is a trend of very talented high school athletes opting out of pursuing their sport in college. So, I posed the question to the Ilovetowatchyouplay community. I was curious to discover what is keeping more and more kids from pursuing what most deem to be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow—a college scholarship.
How Are You Being Validated?
At 6’3”, Jay was a skilled athlete and a coach’s dream. He played with passion and gave his all to soccer. He could have pursued a collegiate or professional career but opted out. His mom shared that for him, “soccer was always about the love of the game, not about validation from playing in college.”
Jay’s perspective is unique today, especially in a culture where many athletes and parents feel that playing college sports is the ultimate validation after years of dedication, time, and money spent. His decision to walk away from the opportunity to play in college wasn’t about the game itself but what made him happy. His mom shared that it wasn’t easy at first. “I will admit I was like, why not?! It’s like a rite of passage and felt like the natural next step. But I knew ultimately that it wasn’t about me; it was his experience, and I had to accept it.” Jay’s mom continues to watch him play in a men’s league and says it still brings her great joy to watch him do something he loves so deeply. But mostly, it’s the character her son showed through it all that makes her the happiest. “I raised a man who knew his worth and didn’t need to feel validated by playing in college. He went to the school of his choice and got the education he needed to have an amazing career. I couldn’t be prouder of him.”
The Mental Health Toll
“I loved to watch her play, but the sport that once gave her so much confidence became the one thing that tore her down.” A top hockey goalie’s mom shared that her daughter played hockey with many girls who went on to play D1 and that she was on the same track. But in high school, her mental health began to decline. She felt she was being bullied and pressured by coaches. “She began self-harming and eventually hated the sport that once brought her so much joy.” By the end of her junior year, she stopped playing altogether. “She needed to heal, and playing wasn’t worth the pain anymore.” After some time away, she returned on her terms and had a much better experience. Although it was, at times, a very rough journey, her mom is grateful for the life lessons she learned and the mental skills she acquired that helped her eventually return to playing.
Traumatic or just stressful? Knowing when to pull a child off a team.
This story echoes the experiences of many young athletes who find themselves crushed under the weight of expectations. The pressure to excel, be the best, and earn that scholarship. It takes an enormous toll on their mental health, and stepping away from the sport becomes a necessary act of self-preservation.
Know Who You Are
For some athletes, it’s simply a change in priorities that leads them to step away from competitive sports. The father of a very talented ice hockey player shared how his daughter was always on the bubble of being able to play in college. She had the natural athleticism, and coaches constantly told her she could become something special if she just hit the gym and trained harder. But her heart wasn’t in it. “She enjoyed the intellectual challenge of mastering new techniques, but the idea of spending hours lifting weights and training off-ice bored her,” her Dad said. When she attended a two-day evaluation camp for elite academic schools, the coach’s message was clear: If you don’t love every aspect of being an athlete—including the grueling hours in the gym—then college sports aren’t for you. “She realized she didn’t love the athlete lifestyle,” he explained. “She loved playing the game but not the lifestyle that came with it.”
As Youth Sports Parents, Whose Dream Is It?
But the decision wasn’t easy in the beginning…for Dad. “Life doesn’t provide you with many opportunities to do once-in-a-lifetime things, such as playing at Nationals or being on the USA Hockey Women’s National Team, so if you’re even in the ballpark, it seems ridiculous to not even try and see how far you could have taken things. When she wasn’t willing to do that, no matter how much we begged or bribed her, I felt the loss. I went through something akin to a grieving or a mourning period. It had nothing to do with the money or the “investment” – I would never think of my child’s development and enjoyment of an activity in those terms. It had more to do with the idea that this was an opportunity to do or to be something exceptional – something that most people never have the chance to be – that was being discarded. A door was being closed. After many months, I was able to move on emotionally, but it was difficult for a while.”
Now, she plays club hockey at her college purely for fun, and according to her Dad, she’s playing better hockey than ever before. “She has a smile on her face again, which matters most to me as her father. I am proud of her ability to stand firm and not let me (or anyone) convince her to do something her heart isn’t into. Her strong sense of self will serve her greatly in other aspects of life.”
The Constant Pressure
Delaney, a multi-sport athlete, excelled in both soccer and track. She had colleges knocking on her door during her freshman and sophomore years of high school. But when COVID hit, everything changed. “The constant pressure from coaches to play multiple sports and the pandemic’s impact on training schedules wore her down,” her mother, Suzanne, shared. By the time her senior year rolled around, Delaney had had enough. In a major soccer tournament in Las Vegas, “she had an episode of depression like we had never witnessed. She went numb and got dazed and real quiet. She told us she was done High Jumping. As recruitment continued for soccer, she had no drive to keep going. She gave it her all her senior year and reaped the rewards with honors. She even took a few recruiting trips. After one visit to a Pennsylvania college that looked promising, she finally told us she did not want to play any sport in college. She turned down scholarship offers and chose to attend the University of Colorado-Boulder, where she is now thriving without sports. She’s happy, learning new things, and loving her college experience,” Suzanne said. “As parents, that’s all we could ever want for her.”
The idea that college sports are the pinnacle of athletic success may be slowly changing. It’s a necessary change, as a mere 7% of kids play in college. So the more athletes (and their parents) realize that their worth isn’t defined by whether or not they ever don a college jersey, the more the kids can enjoy the journey and get the true value they deserve from sports.
The New Path
In the article, When Quitting Sports is the Right Thing to Do, Kim O’Rourke explored the idea that stepping away from sports can sometimes be the healthiest decision an athlete can make. I’ve seen this firsthand with my daughter, who was mentally and physically exhausted and put her foot down to pursue her passion for art over water polo. When I wrote that post, “My Daughter Quit Sports, and This Is What I Want Youth Sports Parents To Know,” the response I got changed how I viewed the word ‘quit.’ I’ve come to dislike it and rarely use it anymore. Whether an athlete decides to stop at the end of high school or earlier, they are moving on. They are retiring. They have found other interests. They have made a choice. Quitting has such a negative connotation. Our kids give up so much of their childhood for sports, and when they are done doing that and want a change – whatever the reason, let’s applaud their decision and support them, not call them quitters. After all, the goal is to raise happy, well-rounded individuals who, hopefully, after playing youth sports, are better off than they would be if they hadn’t and are still in love with their sport. This can be accomplished no matter when they stop playing.
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